Saturday, May 22, 2010

The Critter Catcher

Well folks, it was another lousy night in Houston with no air conditioning.  Nick bailed to a friend's house (the little weasel) and Maggie and I sat around playing WHAA/Swordplay till about 1:00 AM.  This was a great time for her to play as Nick always wants maximum blood, gore, and guts, and Maggie just likes to go on relatively peaceful adventures.  She decided to go out taming animals tonight.  We have our own mechanics for calming/taming animals for use with WHAA/Swordplay.  We have also started using a lot of bits from Lost Lands in her games too.  This was a very bad night for dice rolls on our part.  The badger did quite well however.  I decided to post this silly little session we had tonight as most of Maggies games don't make it to the blog and the silly dialogue we had was quite different from the norm.

We now join world renown Ranger and "Critter Catcher" Maggie and her faithful but not so bright sidekick Baldrick on an animal taming expedition.  Maggie is best known for her amazing taming skills and her ability to calm almost any animal and befriend it.
Maggie:  "Aaah, we are in real luck today.  We've happened across a beautiful dire badger, and she's a big one isn't she?  You're a real pretty girl aren't you?"
Baldrick:  "He looks a bit dangerous to me m'lady.  Best be careful with that one."
Maggie:  "You're always so negative Baldrick!  What have I told you about that before?  You know it upsets the critters when you have negative thoughts.  She's just a big, fluffy, sweet little badger, that's all.  And don't call her a boy, I've warned you about that before."
Baldrick:  "Yes'm m'lady, but so are grizzly bears and you don't want to be cuddling them do you?"
Maggie:  "As a matter of fact, I do find grizzly bears quite cuddly.  They just have a bad reputation because stupid people don't talk to them right."
Baldrick:  "Yes m'lady."
Maggie:  "And why are you carrying around that pig again?  I thought I told you to stop that!"
Baldrick:  "But Oinky is my good luck pig.  I haven't been attacked by any critters since I started carrying him.  Besides, he gets lonely when I leave him at home."
Maggie:  "Really Baldrick.  You know nothing good is to come of carrying a pig around.  And it has only been two days.  That is hardly proof that he's good luck and you know full well we haven't seen anything more dangerous than a mole in the past two days either.  Plus I've noticed that people are starting to stare.  I insist you leave him next time."
Baldrick:  "Yes m'Lady.
Maggie:  "Ok, enough of this time wasting.  The viewers are anxious to see me in action so let's get to it.  Please call the badger over so I can tame him."
Baldrick:  "Here boy!  Come here boy!"
Maggie:  "Baldrick you idiot, that's a girl!  And that is not how I taught you either.  If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times to never, ever, ever-never make eye contact with a dire badger unless you're prepared for a hell of a fight."
Baldrick:  "But I didn't make eye contact, I swear it!  Unless it was.. Oinky who made eye contact?"
Maggie:  "Too late, you've pissed her off already.  You can always tell because their hair stands straight up and their teeth start showing prodigiously."
Baldrick:  "Oh noooooooooo!  He's attacking meeeee!"
Maggie:  "Baldrick!  You did it again!  You're just making her madder."
Baldrick:  "Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeelp!"
Maggie:  "That's it Baldrick, get the badger where the viewers can get a good shot of her.
Baldrick:  "Get it off!  Get it off!"
Maggie:  "The dire badger is a fascinating creature.  It gets it's unusually large size and extra aggressiveness through the enchantment that is cast on it by a Sorcerer.  These beautiful enchanted mammals were first imbued in the 3rd century by the great Sorcerer Zerg.  He used these magnificent animals to hunt roaches in his castle.  The roaches were also magically imbued to a monstrous size by his arch nemesis the Sorcerer Zing who thought it would be a fine joke to play on Zerg.  Today these beautiful animals all roam free and have few natural enemies in the wild since they can be quite ferocious when provoked."
Baldrick:  "Get it off!  Get it off pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease get it off!"
Maggie:  "Alright, alright, keep you're shirt on.  Calm down girl, you sweet little badger wadgerkins."
Baldrick:  "It's not working!  Arrrgghh!"
Maggie:  "It's your negative attitude Baldrick.  I've told you, you must be calm and put out positive waves.  Clearly the badger is not feeling the love Baldrick."
Baldrick:  "And neither am I m'lady!  Get it off!  Get it off!"
Maggie:  "Viewers, did you see that?  Did you see how she changed attack positions?  She's such a smart girl.  She has moved to another area in order to inflict more pain and distribute it more evenly.  She knows that the more surface area she shreds, the more punishment she will deliver to Baldrick.  This is all about punishment.  Dire badgers, the females especially, do not tolerate insolence from anyone, especially pig carrying idiots who can't tell a female from a male badger."
Baldrick:  "Get it off!  Get it off pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease!"
Maggie:  "Ok, I'll try one more time but you really need to straighten up your attitude and put out some positive waves if you want her to stop.  Calm down girl, you sweet little badger wadgerkins."
Baldrick:  "It's still not working!"
Maggie:  "Maybe you should just try apologizing."
Baldrick:  "Ok, ok, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"
Maggie:  "Did you see that?  She's such a smart girl, and so sweet too.  As soon as Baldrick apologized she let bygones be bygones and moved off to find something more interesting.  Fortunately for Baldrick, the dire badger is not one for holding a grudge so long as they have inflicted a sufficient amount of retribution."
Baldrick:  "Oinky, are you ok?  It sure was lucky I had you along otherwise I might have been killed."
Maggie:  "Well that's it for today viewers.  I have to get Baldrick back home to get him bandaged up.  I hope you enjoyed this rare treat of meeting a real life dire badger in the wild as much as Baldrick and I did."


  1. In truth, not much happens here, but that is irrelevant because the story is just so funny and so entertaining. Definitely another winner!

  2. Maggie: Always with those negative waves Moriarty... er, Baldrick. Always with those negative waves.

    Why don't you dig how beautiful it is out here?

    Why don't you say something righteous and hopeful for a change?

    Baldrick: Crap!

    - from Veloci's Heroes